I’ve reached an odd crossroads right now. On one hand, I think I’m an arrogant hypocritical person with the coldest heart one could ever possess. On the other hand, I think I can be a thoughtful, caring warm-hearted individual. Where do I find myself amidst all of this?

I miss having a girlfriend, that best friend you value and can always obtain support and care from. Some might think that a guy who misses having a girlfriend after dating one for almost two years would really be missing some sort of physical intimacy. This isn’t the case at all. I’m sure I could admit in saying that I would love to have a person to have physical interaction with, but what’s more than that to me, is my desire to make a young lady happy. I miss having someone that I can do spontaneous things for just to show how much I care about her. Yes, that’s just it. I always loved doing creative things, or spending quality time doing activities or just sitting and spending time with a female. I don’t need the physical intimacy for me to be happy, all I want is to be able to make her happy, and that in and of itself would make my day the best ever. I understand that you can do this for anyone and everyone; that you don’t need a dating relationship to surprise someone with something to express your appreciation for them. But, even still, I do wish I had… not necessarily a girlfriend… but just someone to do things with and for, and care about and be cared by. I miss having a best female friend.

This sounds good right? I’m a good guy for desiring nothing but to make a young lady happy. But why was it so easy for me to go cold turkey when we broke up? Why was I hurt for only a week, and then was fine to continue on with my life after that? Why, when I moved out of my home for the past two years, leaving my family behind, did it not sadden me as much as it should have? Why do I not miss my high school friends? Why do I not cry much? Why do I not break into tears when I hear of friends my age who have died recently? Why, when people tell me how much they will miss me, or have missed me, I don’t really have much of a response for them.
I don’t know the answers.

I value my friends and the people in my life. But do I value them enough to cry with them when they are hurting? Do I value them enough to call them on the phone when I haven’t spoken with them in a long time and truthfully care about how they are doing? Do I value them enough to embrace them with arms of care, compassion and heartache before I leave for a very long time knowing that I won’t see them for months on end?

I don’t think so, and I don’t know why. I feel like such a rude, ignorant, bad-word person. I feel like I’m so cold-hearted, and self-centered, and probably come across as someone who doesn’t care much about anyone but himself. And that kills me that you may be reading this and think to yourself ‘I thought I knew this guy, I was wrong.’ Inside I would love to be so compassionate that I would earnestly miss people when I leave or when they leave. I want to care about everyone, outside of my own agenda, but I don’t know why I can’t seem to find it in myself to be more warm-hearted toward those closest in my life. And especially when I have endless accounts of things I did for my old girlfriend to go out of my way and try and make her feel like she was the only thing that ever mattered to me. How do I jump from having such strong desires to still have a person like that in my life, to being able to tell you right now, if they were to ever leave my life, my heart would mend quickly?

I hate myself for knowing that when I say goodbye to everyone here and head back home, they will miss me very much, but I will just see them as a memory; the next chapter of my life coming to an end. I’d like to think that it has something to do with my childhood and there is a series of events from my past that I have removed completely from my memory, which has created me into the person that I am today. I’ll let you know if I ever flashback into the thoughts of a failing past and discover where all of this once began.


Anonymous said...


After reading your most recent blog entry, and reflecting on my own relationships (of many levels), I found I can relate quite closely to the kinds of thoughts and emotions you have expressed. So, here's my insight, view and advice. People have been designed to be in a relationship. One relationship, above all others, and one that all others build up to. No, this isn't marriage, though that kind of bond is of unique importance. It is the relationship between you and God. Your romantic tendencies and longing for attention (or specifically, your desire to show and give someone your affections), are both from and for Him.

This probably sounds strange, but hear me out. You can romance God. In the same way you want to do something for a woman, you can do something for God. Go out of your way to tell Him you love Him; do something creative or sacrificial. You've already begun your 'courtship', and continue it with every kind, human gesture... your coffee/donut idea, for example. What a flattering way to express your love of God! Just like you would impress a girl by showing interest in her work and life, you can do the same with Christ. Notice Him. Be aware of yourself, and how you react to everything He does. When you were dating, what did you do? Compliment? Create? Do it for God and see what happens.

Secondly, if you're feeling disconnected with the world, don't fall into the trap of self-doubt or underestimating your worth, influence or potential. You don't come across as a weak or cruel man; you do, however, seem human. No one is really Superman, physically, mentally or spiritually. Don't stress... pray. And talk to someone. Pick a friend with two good ears and tell them how you're doing. You don't always have to wait until they ask. Writing is also an amazing outlet, but you don't always get a response when you're struggling or questioning, and anonymous comments only go so far. But prayer goes much, much farther, and I can do that as well. Live your life, Ben, with strength and passion and love. God will take care of the rest.

Benjamin Pavey said...

Thank you. 'Anonymous' you've really pulled through on this one. Thank you for your advice and input. Stick around for my next blog 'Dirt' as I search into my past for why I may be putting up so many walls... THank you again.

Anonymous said...

listen to the some I feel bad.
it reminds me of what you are talking about.
it's by rascal flatts

Anonymous said...