There was this one point during my relationship with my first girlfriend where we discussed marriage. Were we the right one’s for each other, were we meant to be together forever, what was God’s plan for us in the future. Obviously we didn’t know the answers to these questions, but once you begin asking yourself these questions, you begin to question whether your actions should change if this person is not your future spouse.
We were very careful in treating each other with great respect, honoring the other person’s emotions and body. As a boyfriend, I wanted to constantly honor her with everything I said and did, as well as honor my wife. Let me explain.
Sex was designed by God to be something between a husband and wife. This is an extreme of affection, although the world may be telling us otherwise, but the idea remains the same with any aspect of a dating relationship. The things you do with your boyfriend or girlfriend will have an effect on your relationship with your future spouse. I want to save sex as something intimate between my wife and me, no one else. And I don’t want to push the limits with someone who may not be my wife. The more you share of yourself with someone, the more they will be taking away with them if you were ever to separate. Do you know what I’m saying? I know you’ve heard this sort of thing before.
I want to honor my wife with everything I do… right now. It’s a hard thing to do, because I may not know who she is, but I have to believe that she is out there somewhere and I will someday have to hold account for the things I am doing right now. An author of a book I read collected his thoughts and wrote the hard memories of when he sat his fiancé down on the porch of her house and cried all his sins and painful decisions that he made before meeting her. All the times he cheated on her with girls from his college, all the decision he made when living in what he thought as freedom… without a care in the world… without anyone to be affected by his choices.
He didn’t know her at the time when he was sleeping around, but he was suppose to save those things for his wife, and he gave them away to other girls… hurting these other young women, and in the long run, hurting his future wife.
What a gut-wrenching position that would be. To sit down with your future spouse and tell them all your dirty secrets, all the things you are ashamed of, all the sins you have placed against them. You are suddenly putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation where the outcome may result in becoming single again. But this is what you must do. Once you are married, there is no hiding who you are. You’re stuck with this person, which is suppose to be a good thing, but not when you are holding your past and even present struggles from them. You’re going to have to be 100% real with them if you want your marriage to run relatively smoothly.
Obviously, this is all speculation… I am no closer to marriage than you are… but these are values set forth by God. And I want to do my best to honor them, and in doing so honor my wife as best as I can, right now.
And it’s tough. I screw up so much; I’m the first to say that I’m the worst. And it just kills me to think about the day when I’ll have to sit my wife down and tell her all the things I’ve done without considering how it would affect her. All the times I’ve turned my back on the deep endless love I should have for her for something temporary. I want to love my wife whole-heartedly right now… but it’s so tough. But I’m trying. When I encounter struggles and sins, the best I can do is just think, well you’re going to have to hold account for this with your wife someday… are you prepared to hurt her like this. And these are decisions that we all must make.
I do believe that we will have to hold account for our decisions with a much greater person than our spouses; when we meet our maker in Heaven, and that should be enough reason to turn our backs on temptations, but at times it’s not enough for me, because God is not a tangible person I can see, I can’t see the effect of my decisions through Him. I suppose my wife and any girlfriends are like ‘God in the flesh.’ They provide me with a physical person that I care about and that I can see the effect of my decisions through. I can think of them as a person whose relationship will be damaged by the decisions I make. Am I making sense? I know that hurting God should be enough reason to turn from temptation, and perhaps that is something I need to work on… or maybe he provides us with physical, tangible people that matter to us as a representation of how our decisions may hurt our ever-loving God.
To my wife, I forgive you for any decisions you’ve made in the past, are making right now, or will make in the future. There is nothing you can do to make me love you any less. And I’m so sorry for every thing I’ve done and will do that has and will hurt you, please forgive me. I don’t know where you are right now, what struggles you are going through but know that I wish I could wrap you in my arms so tightly and tell you how much I love you. But for now, know that God is doing just that.
To my wife, wherever you are, I love you.