In elementary school, my best friend had a birthday party. Pretty common. Just your standard kids birthday party. Nothing extravagant, in fact I think there were only three of us that went. First you’ve got to understand my level of success with my childhood friendships, and you can obtain a clearer understanding of this in an earlier blog titled ‘Dirt.’ Basically, I was always struggling to fit in and would do anything for the acceptance of those around me.

One of the best illustrations of this devotion took place at this birthday party. At one point we all received Push Pops. If you’re not familiar with the classic candy of the day, it was a small hard plastic tube slightly larger than your index finger. Inside this tube was a large flavored candy stick. You simply remove the cap, insert your index finger into the base of this tube and lightly press upward, revealing the magnificent mysterious candy that had once lay hidden inside its tomb. Needless to say, this candy was quite the delectable delight.

My two friends, being the mischievous young boys that they were, wanted to see how far I would go to impress them. Not that I was being picked on, but I was certainly an easy target for them. So we took a stroll outside with our Push Pops and stood on a big mound of dirt. My friend’s house was still partly under construction so there was plenty of freshly dropped dirt all over the place, among many scrap pieces of wood, tool belts, and the anticipated dropped nail every step taken. As we stood there talking, I wanted to be accepted by them so much. My intent was to do whatever it took to gain this acceptance. I would do anything for them. All they needed to do was tell me to jam my Push Pop into the recently dumped dirt pile and digest the candy mixture, and before they could finish explaining the task, I was already stirring my Push Pop around in circles to get the most dirt-coating possible.

As I raised the Push Pop toward my mouth, I looked at each of them as if it were all in slow motion. Huge grins stretching across their faces, looking toward one another to make sure the other one wasn’t missing any of this. As they turned their faces back toward me, their laughter ignited and was my green light to stick the dirt-coated candy into my mouth. Let me tell you, it was not pretty. This thing was disgusting. Everything about it tasted horrible. The once Strawberry-flavored candy that was so beautiful in every aspect had been turned into something so dissatisfying that I could hardly contain myself. But I did it. As I looked at them enjoying every minute of it, I couldn’t believe they were just watching me do this for them. Of all the things I had ever done for my friends because they told me to do it, this one neared the top of the charts as being the worse. But I didn’t back down, I wouldn’t stop just because I didn’t like it. I held it in, and took it like a man because it’s what they wanted. I was doing this for them, in the end getting nothing out of it but an intimate encounter with the toilet bowl in the middle of the night, coughing up all that I stomached through for their satisfaction.


In the first book of bible, we are told that the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being (Genesis 2:7). In the bible, the word for ‘breath’ is the same word as the word for ‘spirit,’ and some pronounce God’s name as ‘Yahweh’ although the ancient rabbis believe that the name of God is so mysterious, sacred and holy that there is not even a word to name Him with. In fact, they believe that the letters of Yahweh, YHVH, function as vowels in the Hebrew language. They believe they were kind of breathing sounds and that ultimately the name is simply unpronounceable because the letters together are essentially the sound of breathing: Yod, Heh, Vav, Heh.(Rob Bell, 2006).
Is the name of God the sound of breathing? If so, then could it be that God has breathed some divine spirit into each of us when we are born. Every breathe we take is more than just the second nature of breathing, there is something that resides in us that cannot be taken away. There is this divine breath that is in every single human being. Ephesians 4:6 tells us that there is ‘One God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.’
If there is something of God living inside each and every one of us, whether you are a Christian or not, is it safe to say that in someway, Christ resides within each of us?

What did Christ do by dying on the cross? He took our sins… he took the sins of the world on His shoulders so that we wouldn’t have to. Before Jesus came around, whenever people sinned against God, they had to make a sacrifice, as a way of repentance, seeking forgiveness. But then Jesus landed on the earth, and saw the sins we were committing, and knowing what the consequence for sin is [death], He followed His Father’s plan to pay the ultimate price and die on the cross. He knew what He needed to do, He knew what we were doing and what we would do, but looked past all our stupidity and selfish desires and said ‘You know what? I’m going to pay the penalty for your decisions and there is nothing that will stand in the way of that love for You.’

If we take this knowledge then, considering that Christ dwells within each of us beginning with a divine breathe being breathed into each and every one of us by Yod, Heh, Vav, Heh, and that Christ knows of the choices we will make and made the decision to take the consequential death onto Himself. Could we then, picture in our minds that as we sin, when we make the decision to sin, He is right there with us, in us, a part of us. And He isn’t going to stop us, He won’t stop us, He gives us this choice and all He says is, ‘no matter how sick or disgusting this thing is that you are doing to yourself, I am going to hold my tongue and take the pain for you. You are essentially making me do this same sin that you are doing right now therefore I am in fact facing the horrible results of what you are you doing to yourself… what you’re doing to me.

When we sin, are we really telling Christ to take that Push Pop, swirl it into the dirt and eat it? And does He do it? He knows He’d just be doing this disgusting act for our sake, for our amusement, but He’ll do it because He loves us so much that He’ll do anything for us… and this what we choose to do with His love? In the end, we get some real kicks out of the sin we put ourselves through, what we put Him through, and we walk away scotch free. Meanwhile, He’s hurling himself over the toilet seat the rest of the night, dealing with the aftermath of our decisions.

To the friends who decided I should eat that dirt-coated Push Pop… I forgive you.

A poster on my wall reads:

--Ross Powers. A true champion in every sense, Ross has won more halfpipe titles than any other rider in history and is the defending gold medalist from the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics. In the 04/05 season Ross won the Mount Bachelor US Grand Prix and walked away with the overall Grand Prix title. Over the years Ross has shown an uncanny ability to rise to the occasion in clutch situations. With tricks such as frontside and cob 1080’s and an entire summer to train, Ross is poised to make another run for the Gold as he goes for his third Olympic appearance. Both on snow and in the laboratory he continues to fine-tune his pro model, constantly tweaking it to match his ever-evolving style.—

You know when a celebrity gets on stage after an anxiety-driven pause when the person presenting the award waited a minute before reading their name under the 'best actor' category? Mind you, they themselves weren’t too anxious. They knew they had this award in the bag; it was all the millions of skeptical viewers who were unsure of what the results would be. But this particular celebrity had already received 3 'best actor' awards, 2 'best supporting actor' awards, and had even received a few 'best director' awards! This guy’s got it. And now he's got another one to add to his collection. Is this guy successful or what? Well, is he?

Mike 'Pinball' Clemons spoke at a conference a couple months back. His message was a striking one; one in which you would've expected to hear from someone on the other end of his celebrity-status spectrum... someone like me.

Clemons began his talk by highlighting all of his accomplishments.
I was the highest achiever that...
I could outrun most players who...
I was the most valuable player in...
He continued on for a couple minutes boasting to the audience of all he had done and was capable of doing; really building himself up.
Clemons followed this with a brief open mic session and walked around to audience members in the first few rows of seats asking them what they thought of him and what these great accomplishments that he had mentioned just seconds before meant to them.
I believe their response was just what he was looking for.
Umm, more than what I could do…
Ah, Not the best, but not the worse…
Well, pretty good I guess.

“Pretty good?! Did you not hear me tell you all the things I have done? And the list doesn’t end there my friend.
But you know what? You’re right. It means very little. What is the big deal? In the end, what does it really matter? What it means is that for twelve years I held a piece of leather and became really good at running away from really big guys that wanted to slam me into the ground… Big Deal!”

Who is this man? Who is Mike Clemons… really? When he puts all of his worldly accomplishments aside, he answers with, ‘I am the lucky husband of a fine wife named Diane and the father of two wonderful daughters.’

As you think back on the things you have done in your lifetime… whether that be just a few twenty years, or if you’ve been around the block quite a few times… what have you accomplished? What are you proud of? What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want to remember most about your life? Is it that award or trophy? Is it that sweet frontside and cob 1080 that you’ve mastered? Is it your athletic career? Is it your sick ride equipped with the best sound system in the neighborhood? Is it your home theatre system, iMac, and 80Gb iPod? Is it your conquering of the most challenging X-Box game? Is it all the vacation trips you’ve been on? Is it the wild parties every weekend? Is it in all your skills and talents? Is it in how you use those skills and talents to help others or serve a certain someOne? Is it your family? Is it your friends that stick by you through the thick and the thin? Is it your small group? Is it your church community? Is it your job? Is it the conversations you have with strangers? Is it being a listening ear to those who need someone to talk to? Is it feeding the hungry? Is it clothing the naked? Is it giving shelter to those without a home? Is it giving money to those with little to spend?

Because in the end. When it’s all said and done. When we die and our life here on earth is finished, what can you take with you? As much music as you store on your 80Gb iPod to capture every single song and every favourite band of yours, you can’t clutch it in your hand on your deathbed in hopes that it will go with you. No. The things that this world has to offer us holds no value for us when we’re dead. When we take our last breath, all of that is forgotten, left behind. It served no purpose but simply providing momentary fun. Our possessions here on earth last only a short time compared to eternity.

So is there anything you can possess that will carry on after death? Is there something we can find here that, when we die, will continue to have an effect on us? Is there something worth obtaining because it is eternal… everlasting… for all eternity? Many of you may know of this thing. Many of you may be wondering this exact question. There’s got to be something more to this life than being born, gaining all this stuff and then dying alone without any of it. And I challenge you to seek it out. Talk with people. Find out what it is, because it is out there. You know, the interesting thing is… the bigger our stuff is, the higher the price tag. Have you ever realized this? You want something to store all your music… but a 4Gb is around your price range… if you want something that will last longer and do more for you, you’ve got to dig a bit deeper in your wallet. It will cost you more.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I believe that there is something that will carry on through into eternity. Although, it’s an odd thing… because it will cost you more than any price you find on an iPod… this thing will cost you your life. Your entire life will be changed when you accept this gift. Yes, it’s a gift. That’s the odd part… this thing is free. It’s a free gift that absolutely anybody can accept.
So it’s free, but it’s going to
cost
you
your
life.

So, take what I’ve said here and allow it to challenge you and influence your life to the extreme. Think about it, dissect it, question it, figure it out, and apply it.

.What holds value in your life.

I’ve reached an odd crossroads right now. On one hand, I think I’m an arrogant hypocritical person with the coldest heart one could ever possess. On the other hand, I think I can be a thoughtful, caring warm-hearted individual. Where do I find myself amidst all of this?

I miss having a girlfriend, that best friend you value and can always obtain support and care from. Some might think that a guy who misses having a girlfriend after dating one for almost two years would really be missing some sort of physical intimacy. This isn’t the case at all. I’m sure I could admit in saying that I would love to have a person to have physical interaction with, but what’s more than that to me, is my desire to make a young lady happy. I miss having someone that I can do spontaneous things for just to show how much I care about her. Yes, that’s just it. I always loved doing creative things, or spending quality time doing activities or just sitting and spending time with a female. I don’t need the physical intimacy for me to be happy, all I want is to be able to make her happy, and that in and of itself would make my day the best ever. I understand that you can do this for anyone and everyone; that you don’t need a dating relationship to surprise someone with something to express your appreciation for them. But, even still, I do wish I had… not necessarily a girlfriend… but just someone to do things with and for, and care about and be cared by. I miss having a best female friend.

This sounds good right? I’m a good guy for desiring nothing but to make a young lady happy. But why was it so easy for me to go cold turkey when we broke up? Why was I hurt for only a week, and then was fine to continue on with my life after that? Why, when I moved out of my home for the past two years, leaving my family behind, did it not sadden me as much as it should have? Why do I not miss my high school friends? Why do I not cry much? Why do I not break into tears when I hear of friends my age who have died recently? Why, when people tell me how much they will miss me, or have missed me, I don’t really have much of a response for them.
I don’t know the answers.

I value my friends and the people in my life. But do I value them enough to cry with them when they are hurting? Do I value them enough to call them on the phone when I haven’t spoken with them in a long time and truthfully care about how they are doing? Do I value them enough to embrace them with arms of care, compassion and heartache before I leave for a very long time knowing that I won’t see them for months on end?

I don’t think so, and I don’t know why. I feel like such a rude, ignorant, bad-word person. I feel like I’m so cold-hearted, and self-centered, and probably come across as someone who doesn’t care much about anyone but himself. And that kills me that you may be reading this and think to yourself ‘I thought I knew this guy, I was wrong.’ Inside I would love to be so compassionate that I would earnestly miss people when I leave or when they leave. I want to care about everyone, outside of my own agenda, but I don’t know why I can’t seem to find it in myself to be more warm-hearted toward those closest in my life. And especially when I have endless accounts of things I did for my old girlfriend to go out of my way and try and make her feel like she was the only thing that ever mattered to me. How do I jump from having such strong desires to still have a person like that in my life, to being able to tell you right now, if they were to ever leave my life, my heart would mend quickly?

I hate myself for knowing that when I say goodbye to everyone here and head back home, they will miss me very much, but I will just see them as a memory; the next chapter of my life coming to an end. I’d like to think that it has something to do with my childhood and there is a series of events from my past that I have removed completely from my memory, which has created me into the person that I am today. I’ll let you know if I ever flashback into the thoughts of a failing past and discover where all of this once began.

This past Friday night, I sat in on a speaker at the Valley View Alliance Church in Newmarket. His name was Rick Osborne. He had been in jail for about 25 years and was one of Canada’s most wanted men in Canada when he was 21 years old. He was heavily involved with drugs and gangs, and his testimony was incredible. Having been shot 4 times, one of those in the head with only his bike helmet protecting him, and one near the mid-south of his body, to overdosing on some of the worse drugs, to finding comfort lying next to prostitutes, to escaping prison and spending years in ‘the shoe,’ his story breaks down all misled stories of the convict-lifestyle portrayed in some television shows. His message was one of a quick and slippery slope into the places no one desires to go. It was an eye-opening lesson about a strong Christian teenager who got caught up doing drugs only once before he ran from home and never returned. I haven’t found a website of his yet, but if you come across it check out his story in more detail.

Following this event, I saw the film ‘Reign Over Me.’ A film starring Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle, a pair of reuniting college roommates learning from each other and helping to support and lead the other from the lifestyle they are currently living into a life worth living for. It was a good movie I thought, slow at times, and it felt like it dragged on quite a bit, but a film with a phenomenal soundtrack is bound to have a strong impact. With Sandler taking a serious role once again, and having the movie based on the reoccurring aftermath of 9-11, I would give it 3.5-4 stars out of 5.

The next day, I attended the Evolving Church Conference at The Meeting House in Oakville. It was a day of speakers focusing their messages on restoring social justice in our world, a message that I fully agree with. Understanding that the level of poverty is overlooked by too many people these days, and that there is so much more we can do to simply: love. I believe this, and know of the things that are going on in our world regarding it, but I couldn’t say I really enjoyed the conference itself. Everyone that I attended it with enjoyed it, but I had a very difficult time following along with the speakers. Jim Wallis, Ron Sider and Shane Claiborne were the main speakers, and their messages were sincere and thought-provoking, but social justice is just something I can’t really wrap my head around enough to dialogue with others about. Overall, it was a good worthwhile event but didn’t benefit and effect me as much as it may have for others.

This brings us to Sunday, when Josh and I continued our journey traveling to different churches each week. If you recall in my earlier blog ‘Sunrise to Sunset’ I made reference to a church that I drive past every day on my way to work. I also have wanted to attend a Catholic Church service but have been nervous not knowing what to expect. We decided to go to this church, and wouldn’t you know it, it turned out to be a Catholic Church, but what’s more than that, it was a Ukrainian Catholic Church. Let me just say, it was quite the experience. The interior of the building was beautiful and reflected such stunning stain glass windows and painted biblical murals. There was singing throughout almost the entire service, only the priests 10-minute sermon was spoken. I didn’t sing along because I had no idea where they were reading the words from, and because I’m pretty sure the majority of it was sung in Ukrainian. It was great to just sit back, enjoy, and take in this way that this Catholic Church functioned. And those are my weekend’s stories.

I’m leaving my work in just a few days. Next Friday in fact is my last day before I say my goodbye’s and leave my Brick crew in Whitby. It’s sad, they’re great people, they really are. They all make working there so much more enjoyable and although we share some differences, I couldn’t have asked for any better people.

From the sounds of it though, they could say the same about me. There is one woman who, when I first began working there, told me to go back to school as soon as I can. Now this same woman is giving me hugs and begging everyday for me not to leave. There are people offering to take me out for a goodbye and good luck drink before I leave. It seems as though these friends of mine are earnestly disappointed that I am parting ways with them all. They don’t want me to leave; I have had some sort of influence on them. Perhaps it’s my cheerful smile, or my constant singing to the radio as I walk down the isles, or maybe it’s my sweet dance moves that I pull off whenever I enter the offices. I really don’t know what it is, but there is something for each of them that cause them to feel sadness at the thought of me leaving.

Now, don’t take this as some sort of pig-headed, egotistic message because I am honestly telling you that I don’t know why they will miss me. I don’t know how I could’ve had much of an effect on them. Don’t take this as a sympathy-seeking call out either, I don’t hate who I am and wonder how anyone could ever love me. But the question that arose after receiving the previous comments from my fellow co-workers is merely this:

If I Knew Me, Would I Want to be Friends With Me

.

Do you understand the question? If you were someone else with a different name and appearance, and you met who you are right now and had a five-minute conversation with yourself, could you see that being someone you would want to spend more time with? It’s not meant to be a conceded question, and I think by answering this question for yourself you will be one step closer to finding out what you may need to change about yourself in order to hold on to the people you care most about. Furthermore, in no way am I suggesting that you should change who you are as to keep your social status quo or to fit who your friends think you should be or expect you to act.

Simply put, are there things about you that would tick you off? Are there things that would drive you up the wall? It’s kind of funny to think of, because at first thought you’d think ‘well, obviously I don’t have my own pet peeves.’ Maybe not, but consider another’s point of view, what would their pet peeves of you be? Would it be your rebellious attitude, your stale jokes, your insults, your ‘eating with your mouth open’ habits, your clothing choices, your punctuality or lack thereof? How you deal with stress, with conflict, with joyous occasions. Maybe the first step in learning how to be more appealing and hold on to those you care most about, is putting your selfish desire and stubborn way of life to rest, and become willing to adjust and remain open to the suggestions that those around you may have to offer.

Perhaps for you however, the question is not about conformity, rather individuality and being the person you are for as long as you can be. Why should you change just to make others happy? If they don’t like you for who you are, screw them. You can find better friends that won’t judge you and force you to become someone you’re not. You are your own man or woman, and that’s that. Maybe they aren’t really the type of people you want to invest your time and energy into anyway, so whether they care about you or like certain things about you or not, doesn’t concern you in the least.

In the end,
No one really likes to be someone that nobody else likes,
And at the same time no one likes to be someone that they themselves don’t even like.

So how will you decide? What will determine what changes who you are? You are not the same you were when you were nine. People always change, it’s what has influenced those changes that matters and will you continue to let those things change you. Can there be a balance between being who you are to feel good about yourself and make others feel good about you too. And if so, where do you mark this balance. Who do you want to be?

I read an article a few days ago in Relevant Magazine that sparked something inside of me to ask myself if those around me can tell I am a Christian. I guess there are three ways for people to know of ones faith; by verbally expressing what one believes, by the things one doesn’t do, and by the things one does do. I think it would be most fulfilling for a Christian to hear that they are most recognized by the things they do do (yeah, I said do-do). But what are these things that a Christian does that causes someone around them to notice something different about them, something spiritual, something that leads to God.
This guided me into thinking, if when I die I head up to heaven only to see my good friends in hell, I would hate to know that I didn’t do more for them. It’s a nerve-racking experience for someone to share what they believe with non-Christians because of the mind-boggling questions that might arise, or the rejection that could come with the conversations. I’ve never really had to think about this because most of my close friends up until this year have been Christians. But while working this past year in a place surrounded by people who don’t believe the same as me, I have been provided with many opportunities and conversations with these people… my friends. I’ve developed good friendships with them. And I don’t want the above scenario to happen with them. I don’t want to look from heaven and see them in hell and wonder if I could’ve said something more to them.
So I had this conversation with one of them. I explained how I was leaving soon, and as a Christian I know I am called to share my faith so that others may have the opportunity to know God, and that it would kill me to leave this workplace and know that I never got to fully explain my faith to them. I was then confronted with that very question, ‘well, why do you believe what you believe then?’
This led into a lengthy conversation. It wasn’t an argument or debate, it was a discussion. But to tell you the truth, I was finding it hard to not answer with a Sunday school answer. I wanted to have a better answer then just ‘I was raised this way’ or ‘look around you, look at all of this creation, how could I not believe there is something more out there.’ I didn’t want to give these answers. First, because I wanted to have personal reasons that I really felt. Second, as I thought these answers in my head, I listened to myself speak and thought… ‘what kind of answers are those?’ Do I really look outside at creation and believe that there is a God? Why? Why do I really believe what I believe? Because there’s got to be some bigger reason for life? Because it’s an easy way to get to heaven? Why? Do I seek for closure in my faith when nothing makes sense and everything is confusing? When I pray, is there really a God that hears me or am I talking into the air? Is it all a big hoax? Is there physical proof that everything in the bible is real? Was the bible written by a bunch of guys with theories like Dan Brown and The Davinci Code? Do my answers even make sense to me?

Why do you believe what you believe? And don’t just give yourself the Sunday school answers. Really think about it. If you are a Christian or not, what reason for life is there for you? What do you think will happen after death?

I don’t doubt God. But my thoughts are really getting tossed around right now. I really want to try and figure out why I believe what I believe. As my answer to this question a few months ago to someone who isn’t a Christian I told him, ‘There is just something inside of me that believes, and unexplainable desire to know God. The God of the universe, the God of this world, the God who created me, the same God who loves me unconditionally.’ But is this just a pretty way to describe it because that’s what I’ve been taught? Or do I seriously believe that. If I think about other religions and the gods that other people pray to and live their lives for, most of them seem really phony and ridiculous to me. The thought of trusting some spiritual lady from the water to watch over your prayers and keep you from any danger as long as you don’t eat any red meat. Or believing that you’ve been saved from some other god by being struck by lightening and now you have premonitions that you believe are provided from this higher god of the clouds. This stuff seems so bizarre to me… but I seem to believe in a God who claims to have made the first man with some dust and then used his rib to somehow create the first woman, and Satan came in the form of a snake and made this woman eat an apple and that was the first sin. I believe that a man came to the Earth and brought people back from the dead, healed the blind, and died on the cross, somehow giving me the opportunity to go to heaven instead of the inevitable hell. Why is this not just as crazy to believe? And why do I believe it?

I’ve mentioned in the past on my blog that I’ve had plenty of opportunities to talk to my co-workers about God and what I believe. I hadn’t been shaken by them, or so I thought, even though they had more than enough reasons against the possibility of God than I did for it. I would just leave those conversations knowing that I needed to search for better answers for my faith so that I would have knowledge to support what I was sharing with these people I care about, even though I believed God would speak through me to them whether I really knew everything or not.

Over the last while I’ve been swamped with work, and not having much personal time. I haven’t been reading as much as I use to, and I wasn’t praying as much because everything else was taking up my time. I got a book to write my prayers down so that I stayed accountable and would know that I was praying, but it seems routine right now. I’ve had so much work going on, but I’ve seemed to be doing it fine on my own, looking back realizing that I haven’t really looked to God for strength and guidance. I don’t think I’ve been very dedicated to God or reliant on Him as much as He would like me to be.

I haven’t cried in a long time. I was talking to someone last night about this… I really do hold those extreme emotions inside… yes I see crying as an extreme… I just bottle stuff inside I guess, and so I don’t really cry. I know I shared a close moment with my immediate family this past summer… but before that, I really couldn’t tell you when the last time was that I cried. Am I hard-shelled? Am I stubborn? Am I cold-hearted? A lot of people would probably say no, but I sure feel that way right now. I’ll share what I want to with people for attention or sympathy… sometimes for honest support… but overall I regret to say that I do just bottle things inside.

I don’t know what will become of all of this. I am hoping that I will have some sort of transformation that will involve a non-Christian who I’ve been talking with about God, it will reaffirm my faith, and I will cry a lot. It’d be a picture perfect blog and I am eagerly awaiting that day. But I also know that the bible offers the advice that as a Christian, I am not expected to have everything together, and that I shouldn’t have masks to cover who I really am or how I really feel. When something isn’t right, I need to share that. When I feel weak, there will be people to hold me up… When I need to speak, there will be someone to listen. Even if it is just through reading my blog you are doing wonders by letting me just express my thoughts and allow me to figure things out a little bit better.

I’m still happy, I can still dance, and I can still make people laugh. I am not depressed; shaking in the corner of a damp dark room, believing there is nothing worth living for. I am just searching for real answers that I can develop for myself as to why I believe what I believe.

Well, let me tell you… I am a big music guy, but Switchfoot is not one band that really tickles my fancy. However, because they are a favourite of Josh’s we took a visit to the local Ticketmaster and grabbed our tickets for a Switchfoot show on February 28th at The Kool Haus in Toronto.

Josh picked me up from a 9 hour day at work in the good ol’ smart car and we hit the road for the 7 o’clock show. We made it there about 20 minutes early, so we caught ourselves in line right near the front with a few friends that had already been waiting there for a couple hours. After what seemed like hours waiting, 7 finally rolled around and we were welcomed into the club. All my friends were patted down and ushered through the doors, but when I arrived to meet my first intimate moment, I was patted down, right to left, top to bottom, and I was told to reveal my new camera to him. After one quick glance, I was informed that my camera was too professional! I made the claim that it was digital, not SLR, and even tagged a line a friend of mine used in a similar situation by claiming that I needed it for a school project. No dice. He told me I could either leave it at their drop off booth or take it back to my car. So I quickly called out to Josh, got the keys and had to trek back to the car in my tight single t-shirt and jeans. As you can probably assume, I ended up having to go back to the end of the line and spent at least 10 minutes freezing in the cold, just to get patted down a second time and finally enter through the club doors.

I met up with all my friends inside. They were located at the front right side of the swarming mob of people crowding around the stage. I squeezed my way through and found a nice spot to stay. That ‘nice spot’ lasted about 10 seconds. Soon enough, more people added to the mob and we were all being pushed closer and closer to the front of the stage. The concert began at 8, and honestly I have never been so squished by other humans in my life! For the next 4 hours, I was surrounded by sweaty, bad-breath, screaming friends and complete strangers. As I stood there for a minute, I could feel my feet were almost off the group because the bodies around me were holding me up, that’s how tight we all were. At one point, there was a girl on my left trying to squeeze past me causing me to push against the girl on my right, who in turn pushed back. They were suddenly having some sort of unofficial sandwich game with me in the middle. Calling out ‘ladies, ladies’ I was looked at by a friend who turned around to see what the commotion was all about and claimed, ‘Ben man, are you being sandwiches between two beautiful girls?’ And their response of course was, ‘you know He’s loving it.’ Now let me be frank, as a male equipped with hormones, there was something about this situation that I must say I enjoyed, but let me tell you I did have my future wife on my mind and doing so tried to stay as clear minded as possible (Scroll down to read my blog titled ‘My Wife’ to get an idea of what I’m talking about here). There were a few other instances where I felt the obligation to protect certain girls at the show from being crushed by somewhat blanketing my body close to theirs. Mind you, there were a few young guys who needed the same protection at times. I can honestly say though, I have never been so intimate with any woman or man as much as I was at this concert… but it seems as though that is all part of the experience… um…right?

Half way through the show Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot, decided to take a detour out onto the dividing rail between the audience and the bouncers. As he stood on this rail being held up by the bouncers, countless fans were stretching out their hands, screaming, grabbing at him. Let me tell you though, this all took place on the left side of the stage, far away from me. As a spectator, I saw this and was disgusted. I couldn’t believe these people were idolizing Foreman this much, there were going crazy over him and desiring to touch his human flesh. After a minute, the moment passed and Foreman returned to the stage to finish the song with his band. A few songs later, he decided to venture out on to the rail again, this time on the right side… yes, right where we were standing. So here came the infamous leg of Jon Foreman, and the people around me crowded the arms to get a touch here and grab there. This was ridiculous. As he continued singing, his hands were even in reaching distance, so the fans around me were going crazy having to touch the bare skin on the back of his hand. How could these people be worship Foreman as a person so far that they felt the urge to reach out and simply touch? As disgusted as I was, there was in fact something within me that was overcome with the same urge and before I even knew what was happening, my hand was stretched out in front of me, I needed to have some Jon Foreman. And what do you know; he reaches out and holds my hand. If that isn’t intimate, I don’t know what is. As he braced his palm on mine as I held him up for almost 10 seconds, he also waved the microphone in front of a buddy and me as we sang along with this idol. Before I could even take in what was happening, I passed off his hand to someone else to experience this amazing feeling. I don’t know what it is about concerts. Like I said, I'm not even a big fan of Switchfoot, but there's just something about having a celebrity reach out to you when you’re caught in the moment, and there's nothing you can do but give in to them.

Before we knew it, the show was over and we were back in the car driving home. We were sweaty, our adrenaline was rushing, and we had stories to tell. All in all it was a great night; an evening full of intimacies that I could never have imagined I was going to experience.

I regret to be posting this blog so late from my last one, as I have been very busy and will continue to be. For those of you who are the praying type, now would be a great time to start taking down some notes, as I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers over the next little while. For those of you who blaze past any sort of religion, fell free to just keep reading and think of me.

I’ve been really swamped with many projects, and whether I’m taking on too much or not, I don’t know, but I’m committed and in some sick-sense I enjoy the responsibility. And if I wasn’t doing as much as I am now, I’m sure there would be plenty of people telling me to do more with my time… so essentially, I’m just saving them and myself from the lectures.

1. I am working hard to prepare a service for the youth group I help out with. I only have a few more weeks with them, and would like to share something deep on my heart with them before I leave, and that is the influence of music and media. The dark sides of media are something I hate seeing teens falling into, and this is my first real time to just share from my heart, how I feel about the music we spend our time listening to. I’m working hard to co-ordinate everything for this to lead a presentation that will shake them and make them re-evaluate their influences.

2. As you know I work at camp, and we are putting together a worship service called ‘Refresh’ in Hamilton at The Freeway (www.frwy.ca). I’m semi-organizing this event, as well as heading up the worship band. This is something really exciting to do, and I’m happy to be a part of the team for this event of community, worship, and prayer. The night is designed for staff and friends to be reminded of camp, and to get that fire started inside of them for another great summer.

3. Countless campers and staff at camp (www.miniyowe.com) have requested for our worship band to make a studio recorded album. We’ve shrugged off the idea as being wishful thinking in the past, but I am putting plans together to make this a reality. It seems simple; record music, burn it to a bunch of CD’s, and make money. But this has been such a long learning curve for me to try to understand all the different variables to consider for this project. From copyright laws, to band member schedules, to CD design art… this is a big project. We’re hoping and praying that all works out for this summer, but I am not making any promises at this point. But this will be a big step and incredible experience for our team to undergo, and the results will hopefully be quite pleasing to many.

4. I am finishing my work at The Brick in a few weeks, and am planning to take April off for personal time. Josh and I are still looking into a few organizations that we may be able to hook up with for some mission work down South, but those plans are not looking too promising. Two alternatives are just taking a train somewhere and relaxing; a great way to top off our year living together, or perhaps some sort of vacation with my family. I don’t want to work for April, so I am hoping we can manage to make something work to give me a reason not to. We’d really like to pull together some sort of end-of-the-year event for Josh and I though.

5. If all goes well, I will be heading to Camp Mini-Yo-We for Spring Crew in May and June; this is a time where 20 students work to prepare the camp for the summer and host guest groups. Then I will be working at camp for the whole summer as the Ministry Director of Boys Camp for the second year. This is my next big project… preparing all that I need to in order to fulfill this position. I haven’t really begun looking at this yet, but need to soon. There will be lots of preparation for the summer if I want to pull off a great experience for the campers with the worship music and bible studies. Please pray that I can get on top of this and that ideas will really begin to flow as to how I can properly present each day’s message so that the campers will get the most out of them.

6. On top of Ministry Director for the summer, I have also been offered the position of having a large involvement with the ministry of PRiME, the teen’s camp at the end of the summer. This too will be a big task to take on, and as much as I would love to be involved with it, I am struggling to see how great of a job I can do with everything else I have on my plate. So, sorry Amanda, I’m still working on this decision.

7. And lastly, next fall. I have sent out an application form to Capernwray Bible College (www.capernwray.ca) in British Columbia and am anticipating the response. In addition to this, I have the opportunity to join a program called Outtatown (www.outtatown.com) which is based in Winnipeg through the Canadian Mennonite University. I would spend the first semester traveling Canada with 30 others, from standing in line with the homeless at soup kitchens to having a bible study on the Rocky Mountains. We then continue into the second semester serving in either South Africa or Guatemala. This would be such an amazing experience, so my application will be sent out shortly to them. This of course is a big decision for me as well, one that I pray for a strong leading from God with.

So there you have it. Wipe your wondering tears from your eyes, put the 9-1-1 phone call down, and tear down the Missing Person signs from the lamp-posts on the street corners, because I’m alright. I'm here, and I'm safe… just busy. I will continue to post my blogs, perhaps not as regularly as I was, but keep checking back, because amongst all that’s going on with me right now, I have plenty of things running through my mind which I am always more than happy to share with you. Thanks for reading, and I’ll write again to you soon.

I’m not going to give you a history lesson on my childhood; that would be much more than what I want to write. But I do want to recap a highlighted pain and life-altering passion that I have encountered over the months while living away from home.

After graduating high school I headed to camp for some time in the summer. Nearing the end of the summer I was expecting to just work for the year because I hadn’t come across a school that interested me. As August approached, I made the quick decision to commit to one full year, working as a year-round instructor at camp. It was a choice I needed to make within days, and before we knew it I was back home packing my belongings to move in to my new home at camp. This was a sudden change for my parents. They were expecting me to stick around home for at least one more year, and before they even had time to take it all in, I was waving goodbye to them as they drove away, leaving their youngest to live alone. Now, if you know anything at all about the geography of where I live, you’ll know that my house is only about half an hour from the camp, not a big deal, but being my first big venture from home I was happy to be living on my own. There was plenty of excitement and things to do to keep me occupied, that I wasn’t even calling them once a week to catch up. Over the year I visited home maybe seven times including Christmas. I didn’t really notice much because I had already been away at camp for the summer before then, so it wasn’t as big of a deal to me. But imagine my parent’s position. I was the son who claimed he would never move out, and would live with his parents forever. They weren’t expecting this at all.

Before I knew it, the following summer was nearing its end and I was not planning to pursue school for a second year. I really had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I would just work again for the year, but I wanted to live somewhere else. In no offense to my parents or the home they had for me, but I wanted to explore and challenge myself with new elements. I ended up deciding to move to Newcastle with a friend and his family whom I had never met. Now think of my parents, who still hadn’t fully coped with me being thirty minutes away for the first year, and now I was asking them to drive me and my belongings to what I call the city, only to be living now three hours away. If they thought I didn’t want to see them much while living at camp, how could they expect I would ever want to see them from the city? Through all the comments they left with me about how I would be missed, I never truly understood what they must have really been feeling.

…Until I thought about it for myself.
I was the funny guy in the family. I was the one who was almost always smiling. I could make them laugh; I brought excitement to the dinner table. And that was the first image in my mind. I was picturing my parents sitting at the dinner table without my sister or me there with them, and that image broke my heart. I may be exaggerating the situation, but I can only imagine them sitting like robots, eating their food in silence with no expression in their faces. No more joy, laughter, fun, love. Robots to ask how each others day was at the dim light of the candle in the center of the table, while the dog lay stiff on the floor at my fathers feet. This image just kills me.
The next picture in my mind was all the times my parents offered advice. I thought they were trying to make my life hell, binding me by chains of rules and guidelines. The words they chose to use with me, their attitudes, and their approaches were what I expected all parents to be like. But as I moved in with this new family, my eyes opened up to a new perspective of who my parents were. In no attack or comparison to the family I am presently living with, but I quickly learned that my parents were genuine, special, and meant the world to me because I meant the world to them… and that is why they treated me the way they did. I was learning that it was all in love that they put these rules up, spoke to me, joked with me, and raised me the way they did. They loved me so much, and I never understood the depth of that love until I was away from them completely. I believe that is how discovering Christ’s love for us is like. We may never truly understand it until we are put in a place where He seems to be nonexistent, and suddenly our perspective on how blessed we are to know God is altered. The phrase ‘you don’t realize what you have, until it’s gone’ began to have a whole new meaning for me. And this killed me too.
I have such a gut-wrenching pain inside of my heart at the thought of all the missed experiences, conversations, and friendships. What’s more than that, I feel I have left them down so much. I feel like I have hurt them so deep in not having the desire I should’ve had to be friends with them when I was younger. I wish I could’ve been a more obedient, loving son… as loving as his incredible parents were. I wish I could go back in time and say yes every time my dad asked me if I wanted to go under the car to fix something or build or fix a household item instead of telling him I was too busy and just watch TV. I wish I could go back and value the conversations around the dinner table the way I value them now. I wish I could go back and do everything I could to make them happy. I wish I could understand and trust them with all the rules they set before me, knowing that they were for my own good and because they loved me. I feel I’ve missed out on so much, I feel I’ve screwed up big time, and I wish I could just go back and live with them again… because now, who knows if I will ever be back home living with them, to learn from them.

I wrote in a letter to my dad, ‘I feel that I've missed out on so much, but at the same time I realize that I haven't missed out on anything because it's right here, it's inside of me, you've made it a part of me.’ And it’s so very true. I have the memories inside of me to remember, I can reflect on everything that they’ve done for me, and know that it was all in love. And the big thing is… they aren’t gone! I was realizing all these things and treating them as if my parents were gone, that I could no longer make contact with them. But that isn’t it at all. They are very much alive and a bigger part of my life than ever before. I can accept that my time living with them could’ve been much better had I understood what I know now, but I can move on, react to that and love them in return.

I now call home at least once every week. I have such a higher respect for my parents, and a stronger desire and eagerness to get to know them better. I wish I could change back time… and love them in return as a child as much as I do now, but instead I will look on to the future and how I cherish them that much more now.

I pray that you will find a safe haven in my words here, and that you too may take a few moments to reflect on your family. On the struggles, pains, and pleasures that you have endured and may you be able to understand an irreplaceable and unconditional love from your parents. It takes time to grow and learn and appreciate the people God has blessed us with.

With the last image of a beautiful tree blanketed with an array of vibrant and magnificent colors of red, orange and yellow leaves, standing tall on a mountain top, which first began as a tiny little seed planted by the sower, I tell you this:

A father can root himself so deep within His son, that it may not be truly appreciated until much growth has taken place.

I have had a few conversations initiated by other people over the past couple days around the topic of anger. I have felt pretty stuck, because I fear speaking my mind with them, so I just listen and take in their opinions and dialogue with them in my mind, in my thoughts.

You see, these people I have spoken with all seem to avoid getting really angry with other people, which is a good thing I think, but instead they wish bad things upon these other people.
One phrased it like this, “What they said to me hurt, and I think they said it simply because they didn’t understand, they didn’t know how their words were effecting me and others because they had never been in my situation. But you know what? As soon as they turned around, I hoped that their day would come, when they would be hurt just as much as they hurt me. And I really hope that I will be there to see it, not to be sick and twisted, but just so I can see the pain they’re in and say ‘You had it coming, now you know how you made me and so many others feel.’ I look forward to that day when they get a taste of their own medicine.”
Another expressed their feelings about someone who had wronged them in some way, by claiming that they hate them, want nothing to do with them, and if they could they would teach them a lesson they would never forget.
This is so sad. And so difficult to respond to. We find it so hard to love people, but it seems to be so easy to find even the smallest things to hate about a person. How do I teach you about the love that I have with God, and how I believe we need to pass off this same love to anyone and everyone no matter what they’ve done to us.

There are some people who have really done me wrong in one way or another, and I’m sure you all have at least one person just like this. They’ve done what seems to be the worst they could ever possibly do, and they couldn’t care less how it affected you. As far as you are concerned, they have done the unforgivable to you. We all have, or have had these people, and will continue to have these ‘enemies’ for the rest of our lives. But I believe God loves them. I believe that no matter what they do or say, nothing is going to separate God’s deep unconditional love from them. The bible teaches us this. And I also believe that we are called to express this same love for everyone. We have done just as bad things to God, and no matter what we do, He will still always love us, so why can’t we swallow our pride or pain and do the least we can do, and love those who have done us wrong. We don’t have to agree with the decisions they made, they may have hurt us and it feels like we’ll never be the same, but I promise you, if you can love them, something will lift from your shoulders, you will feel lighter, you feel a little bit closer to being at peace. And this is God’s desire. He knows you hurt, He knows the pain you feel, He knows what people have done to you, and He doesn’t expect you to become best friends with everyone, I don’t think He expects you to forgive and forget… if you can, then kudos to you… but I think if we can at least just forgive them and love them, then you’re that much closer to mending the wound completely. Please forgive those who you are angry with, and try your best to love them. It will be hard and may take a while but please do your best to put whatever they have done to you in the past, love them, and move on. It comes back around to our representation of Christ. And as followers seeking to follow as best as we can in footsteps of God, we need to think of the way we treat those around us, especially those who have hurt us, or just get on our nerves.

There is someone in my life right now who I use to not be able to care any less about. This person ticked me off every time they spoke. I was excited when they weren’t around, and disappointed when I heard they were back. I would roll my eyes, talk behind their back, and never take what they said seriously. I would brush them off, discard their comments and not give a passing moment to being kind to them. But then I came to realize that by my responding to this person in this way, I wasn’t solving the problem, if anything I was making it worse. By hating them, I wasn’t giving them the opportunity to improve, apologize, or even have a desire to change. I know every situation is different, all pains are different, but I knew that I needed to love this person. As much as I didn’t want to, as much as I didn’t think they deserved it whatsoever, as much as I didn’t believe it would change anything, I knew that God wasn’t too proud of me for hating this person, and to be honest I wasn’t too proud of myself for it either. I wanted to get along with this person, I wasn’t wanting to become best friends, I just wanted to be able to tolerate them and love them. I would then know I was at least doing my part and giving my best effort to change the way I was toward them and forgiving them for the way they treated and still were treating me. I’m not going to say that the story ends with us holding hands skipping through the meadows… in fact, I am very relieved that this is not how my story ends. Instead, this person still isn’t the nicest around me, but I talk to them with a smile, sincere care, without attitude or holding grudges and it has helped considerably. And knowing that I have acted in obedience to God, when our conversations finish and I walk away, I speak out loud to God asking him to continue to ‘please help me love this person.’ And I know that He is.

It was not what you would expect it to be… and I’m dreading to write this as to what kind of example I am setting for those younger and how those older than me will give me plenty of lectures regarding my stupid decisions, but I want to share it anyway because it was great.

So you need to picture all of this in your mind, because I’m going to try and paint it exactly how it happened. I was driving in to work and Josh was in the passenger seat. We were just driving down the middle lane, not in the smart car but in his families other bigger vehicle, minding our own business. All of a sudden a police car passes us in the left hand lane. He’s wasn’t going too fast but obviously fast enough to pass us, and he didn’t have his lights on. So I thought, well I think I’m just going to follow behind him a bit. We’ve all wondered it, ‘if we follow a cop who isn’t in pursuit, at the fast speed that he is going at, we can’t get in trouble can we? Why I felt like testing this theory, I don’t know, but I decided to go for it. So I hit my left blinker and turned in to the far left hand lane. I kept a good two car distance between us as we continued to just mosey along our drive listening to our music. The cop eventually began to drive considerably slower, so I just slowed down not thinking too much of it, and remained on his tail. Josh and I were talking, not watching the road much, and the next thing I knew, the cop car had sped up and was way ahead of me! Well, this was just no good. So I put my foot to floor to try and catch up to him. I pretty sure he was testing me, somehow he knew my plans. As you can assume, by the time I caught up with him, we were definitely going well over the speed limit. We were both racing the left side of the highway as the other cars passed by in blurs of colors and all I could think was how crazy and stupid this was, but something inside of me made me continue.

So, I’m in pursuit of this cop, trying my best to stay on his tail, I don’t know why I was so confident that he didn’t know I was right behind him, because all of a sudden he pulled over in to the middle lane, squeezing between two cars. Now what! Where do I go? Do I follow him in to the middle lane clearly stating that I was in fact following him, or do I avoid the obvious and try to discreetly drive right past him? It was quite the predicament, one in which I had to decide within seconds. So I went with driving right past him, trying to slow down as much as possible. As we whipped by the cop with my foot on the brake, Josh was wide eyed and jaw dropped, not believing I just purposely sped past a cop. No harm was done, the cop remained in the middle lane and I kept going… for about two-seconds. All of sudden he pulls in to the left lane again directly behind me! Now I’m really getting nervous, my palms are sweating like crazy and I’m yelling at Josh. Josh turned around and after seeing the cop on our tail just burst out laughing, he couldn’t believe it. I knew I had crossed the line and had to evade this pursuit, so I kept driving until there was an open spot between two other vehicles for me to pull back into the middle lane to allow the cop to drive right past me and on to his next victim. Well, he seemed to have other plans. I managed to pull over in to the center lane, but as I was slowing down he crept up beside me in the left lane, but instead of continuing past, he decided to coast right there, directly beside me. Oh man, it was so hard not to smile. I kept my cool though. I just kept my eyes on the road and pretended as if I had no idea he was there. But the cop definitely knew that I knew he was there… how? Well I’m pretty sure that Josh laughing hysterically, swinging his whole body back and forth, wiping the tears from his eyes, and continuously telling me that the police officer was staring directly at me was a dead giveaway. But I wasn’t going to make eye contact with him. My heart was beating like crazy, what a rush! The adrenaline was is a constant flow. I was invincible, I was the law out there, I was the man… I was stupid… it was a very bad decision. As much fun as it was, it was not wise, I know that. And I think this is what the cop was trying to tell me. But it was still a good time. So the cop coasting beside me, trying to stare me down for at least 30 seconds, then he finally gave up and sped up and left my sight, allowing me to catch my breathe, calm down, and safely arrive at my work to tell the story to all my co-workers. I wish you all a very happy and safe day!

In his book Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller tells the story of a friend of his that put tithing into a whole new perspective for me. I’m not going to share all the details of the story but here’s the general picture.

Donald was with his friend and they were talking about needing money for a motorcycle. Donald saw this huge jar of cash on his buddies table and suggested they use that money, but his friend told him they couldn’t.
“Why?”
“Isn’t mine, Miller.” His buddy looked at him and claimed that the money wasn’t his, it was God’s.
“Don, let me tell you. You should be tithing. That is not your money. That is God’s money. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Stealing from God and all.”
Another friend of his shared, “When we do what God wants us to do, we are blessed, we are spiritually healthy. God wants us to give a portion of our money to His work on earth. By setting aside money from every check, you are trusting God to provide. He wants you to get over that fear -that fear of trusting Him. It is a scary place, but that is where you have to go as a follower of Christ.”

I’ve never really tithed before. If I have some cash in my wallet, and if it’s convenient for me, I’ll toss some dollars in to the offering plate. Other than that, there was no regular tithing by me. Whether it was because I didn’t have a job till I was out of high school, or because I wanted the money all to myself, I don’t know. But I do have a job now, I am making lots of money, so I need to think about this stuff.

Often, I’ve just struggled with the idea of tithing because I hardly ever carry cash in my wallet, and I know that what I do have, is not a sufficient percentage of what I make, so I don’t bother at all. I could write down a percentage from each paycheck somewhere, but where will that piece of paper end up in the next couple days, I won’t remember. But I liked Donald’s friend’s idea. He would take this money and put it in a jar. Each time he got a paycheck, he would add more money to the jar until he made it to church… then he would take the jar there and give it to the church. I know I can do something similar.

So, I’ve bought a journal type book… its contents will vary, but I will have one section devoted to tithing. When I get a paycheck, I will write down the set percentage I feel I should be giving at this point in my life. If I get a few more paychecks, those numbers will add up. When I finally make it to the bank I will take out the total amount out and give it to a church. Until that money is taken to a church, the numbers will remain written in my book. When it’s been given to the church, I’ll scribble out the numbers and smile.

This is my way of keeping on top of my tithing. I’ve decided it for myself, which I believe is important. God doesn’t want the money if our hearts aren’t in it, just doing it because we feel we’re supposed to. He wants us to want to give Him the money, He wants us to understand why we do the things we do for Him, in God’s name, and for the right reasons.

My mornings can be pretty rushed. Waking up with ten minutes to spare before I jump into the passenger seat of a smart car… yes, a smart car. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I eat my half spread toasted plain bagel with regular cream cheese as I drift in and out of reality asking myself why I didn’t stay in bed and sleep the day away. Amidst the confusion of two wild untrained dogs, a couple day care children, and a race against the clock, the morning always seems to take its first step on the wrong foot.

But once that bagel is eaten and the morning talk with the driver is complete, I sit in silence and it is beautiful. The silence? Some times. But more than that, the sun. We drive with our backs to the sunrise but God has blessed me with the perfect seat to watch the sun crest the horizon behind me. How does it work? The rear view mirror. The driver can’t see it, but from the angle I sit at every morning, I see it perfectly through the mirror. Hope rises, and suddenly my day gets back on the right foot. It's actually pretty strange how perfect this beautiful scene centers itself perfectly in the mirror, right from the angle I sit at... it's so great. What’s more than that, there is a gorgeous church sitting above the highway, and at the right moment, the ever-glowing sunrise pierces its beauty upon a cross standing tall on the roof of this church. You couldn’t ask for anything better. As busy as my day is in the morning, God has given me the opportunity everyday to take a step back and just reflect on His beauty.

And at the end of the day, it gets even better. I work in a warehouse, and so we are constantly raising the dock door to give product to its new rightful owner. Before my shift ends around 5, I often need to lift that dock door one more time. As I start to lift the door, the sun begins to creep in under the door. I lift the door fully and there it is.
The sunset.
You can’t even imagine the beauty of that sky. Beginning with a magnificent yellow stretching from left to right, through orange, red, dark purple, and finally into a rich blue, there is only one more thing that tops the picture; a single star directly in the centre of the sky. It must be a planet, because this thing is huge, and so bright. With no other stars around it, it is definitely the cherry on top.
And what makes it so impressive is that this beautiful horizon is outlined by the city’s skyline. A fast-paced highway on the left, and a plaza of 8 large restaurants and a 24-theatre cinema on the right. And you know what? I love it. I love this picture. Amidst all of what this world has to offer; Amidst all of the confusion, pain, suffering, wasted money, pollution, crime, war, hate, death… we can’t get away from the beauty of God. You can look at all the great thing of this world for as long as you want, but all it takes is just a single look up to the sky to remember that there has got to be something so much better than what the world has to offer us. Tomorrow, take a break from the busy life you have between 5 and 6, swing open the blinds and look outside a window or put a sweater on and step outside your front door and take a moment to look up to the sky and watch the sun set and know that there has got to be something so much bigger than anything you could ever imagine. Allow time to stop, and smile in the silence, it’s just you and God.

There was this one point during my relationship with my first girlfriend where we discussed marriage. Were we the right one’s for each other, were we meant to be together forever, what was God’s plan for us in the future. Obviously we didn’t know the answers to these questions, but once you begin asking yourself these questions, you begin to question whether your actions should change if this person is not your future spouse.
We were very careful in treating each other with great respect, honoring the other person’s emotions and body. As a boyfriend, I wanted to constantly honor her with everything I said and did, as well as honor my wife. Let me explain.

Sex was designed by God to be something between a husband and wife. This is an extreme of affection, although the world may be telling us otherwise, but the idea remains the same with any aspect of a dating relationship. The things you do with your boyfriend or girlfriend will have an effect on your relationship with your future spouse. I want to save sex as something intimate between my wife and me, no one else. And I don’t want to push the limits with someone who may not be my wife. The more you share of yourself with someone, the more they will be taking away with them if you were ever to separate. Do you know what I’m saying? I know you’ve heard this sort of thing before.

I want to honor my wife with everything I do… right now. It’s a hard thing to do, because I may not know who she is, but I have to believe that she is out there somewhere and I will someday have to hold account for the things I am doing right now. An author of a book I read collected his thoughts and wrote the hard memories of when he sat his fiancé down on the porch of her house and cried all his sins and painful decisions that he made before meeting her. All the times he cheated on her with girls from his college, all the decision he made when living in what he thought as freedom… without a care in the world… without anyone to be affected by his choices.

He didn’t know her at the time when he was sleeping around, but he was suppose to save those things for his wife, and he gave them away to other girls… hurting these other young women, and in the long run, hurting his future wife.

What a gut-wrenching position that would be. To sit down with your future spouse and tell them all your dirty secrets, all the things you are ashamed of, all the sins you have placed against them. You are suddenly putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation where the outcome may result in becoming single again. But this is what you must do. Once you are married, there is no hiding who you are. You’re stuck with this person, which is suppose to be a good thing, but not when you are holding your past and even present struggles from them. You’re going to have to be 100% real with them if you want your marriage to run relatively smoothly.

Obviously, this is all speculation… I am no closer to marriage than you are… but these are values set forth by God. And I want to do my best to honor them, and in doing so honor my wife as best as I can, right now.

And it’s tough. I screw up so much; I’m the first to say that I’m the worst. And it just kills me to think about the day when I’ll have to sit my wife down and tell her all the things I’ve done without considering how it would affect her. All the times I’ve turned my back on the deep endless love I should have for her for something temporary. I want to love my wife whole-heartedly right now… but it’s so tough. But I’m trying. When I encounter struggles and sins, the best I can do is just think, well you’re going to have to hold account for this with your wife someday… are you prepared to hurt her like this. And these are decisions that we all must make.

I do believe that we will have to hold account for our decisions with a much greater person than our spouses; when we meet our maker in Heaven, and that should be enough reason to turn our backs on temptations, but at times it’s not enough for me, because God is not a tangible person I can see, I can’t see the effect of my decisions through Him. I suppose my wife and any girlfriends are like ‘God in the flesh.’ They provide me with a physical person that I care about and that I can see the effect of my decisions through. I can think of them as a person whose relationship will be damaged by the decisions I make. Am I making sense? I know that hurting God should be enough reason to turn from temptation, and perhaps that is something I need to work on… or maybe he provides us with physical, tangible people that matter to us as a representation of how our decisions may hurt our ever-loving God.

To my wife, I forgive you for any decisions you’ve made in the past, are making right now, or will make in the future. There is nothing you can do to make me love you any less. And I’m so sorry for every thing I’ve done and will do that has and will hurt you, please forgive me. I don’t know where you are right now, what struggles you are going through but know that I wish I could wrap you in my arms so tightly and tell you how much I love you. But for now, know that God is doing just that.

To my wife, wherever you are, I love you.

I don’t like, that I like it, so I like to try not to like it, too often. That’s how I would explain how I feel about American Idol.

It’s funny, yes. They have talented singers, yes. But why do we laugh so much at it? Why do we call in family members or friends to rush into the room to look at the current person attempting to sing? Why can we not contain our kicks and giggles when Simon casts sarcastic belittling remarks in the direction of a young adult trying their hardest to gain some recognition to what they believe to be a great voice? Is it safe to assume that we have all laughed one of the people on this show, whether they are for real or are purposely doing their best to resemble Napoleon Dynamite or his one-screw-too-loose sidekick Pedro?

If you agree with an older blog of mine, which I don’t expect everyone to, regarding Our Representation of God, and do your best not to mock, talk behind someone’s back, or belittle someone else to make yourself seem more superior, intelligent, or talented; then why do we find ourselves so quick to burst into laughter at a ‘loser’ on the television. They brought it upon themselves when they signed up for the show. They’re definitely faking it, they aren’t really that ridiculous. Just listen to his voice when he talks, you can’t help but laugh. Did you hear Simon’s smart remark to that, he’s so quick. Have you said these things in defence when watching? Is that what you’re saying in your head right now? What example are we setting for those around us? We are meant to live a life striving to resemble Christ, but how do we expect to even come close to accomplishing this by laughing hysterically at someone else’s expense? One contestant begins speaking but is wearing tight clothes and has a high-pitched lisp, suddenly someone yells out, ‘This guy is so gay, you have to come watch this, he’s hilarious!’ Are you kidding me? Another contestant walks in, states that he was recommended to come on the show by some friends who saw some potential in him, but he doesn’t sing too well and Simon calls out, ‘That was the worst performance I’ve ever seen. That didn’t even sound human, you should have never come here. This was such a waste of time.’ And we laugh. What the heck? Is this what we’ve become? Is this entertainment? Are we supporting this? This guys dreams of accomplishing anything musical has been crushed by one man, while supported by millions of viewers. Next time you turn on your television for American Idol, think about what you’re watching. Watch it if you feel fine watching it, but please, be mindful of how you react and respond to some of the contestants. I am equally as guilty, I still laugh at times too, but try not to belittle them any much more then they’ve already been, or at least choose your words wisely when verbalizing your opinions and constructively criticize them. And encourage and support those you see potential in, as well as those who don’t seem to have a chance at any kind of singing career. Think about it.

I use to watch a lot of television. I must admit, my sister and I would always argue over who got to hold the remote, what shows we would watch, what shows to skip to during the commercials of three other shows we were already in to. Between comedies, cartoons, and soaps. My favourites during elementary school were Family Matters, Home Improvement and Student Bodies; she loved those talk shows like Rosie O’Donnell, and also loved the evil Passions soap. As we grew up however, our interests shifted and we would watch the later shows of celebrity shows like ET, sitcoms like Friends, and reality shows like the oh so popular Survivor.

About two years ago, I really began to pass off watching television. I was too focused on my homework and student council work that I didn’t have time for meaningless shows, although I wish I could just sit and indulge in the all that entertainment. I spent my last year without almost any television because all I had was a TV with a built-in VCR and Playstation that could play DVD’s. So this became my entertainment. Work would be over and I would go home and watch movies. I spent a lot of money on previously viewed Blockbuster films. I bought around 40-50 movies in one year! But I’m getting a bit off topic here.

What I want to tell you, is that all I really watch on television now is Prison Break. The family that I’m living with likes NCIS and The Unit. So I’ve begun to watch these shows off and on as well, but that’s about it. I can’t stand reality shows like Survivor, those Celebrity Dancing shows, Deal or No Deal… hmm… to be honest, I was about to write a big list of similar shows, but I really have no idea what other big money-spending shows are out there now.

First of all, I find them all pretty cheesy. But second, I look at the elaborate set of Deal or No Deal. I look at ol’ Howie Mandel and all his gorgeous female helpers and the cash that they probably rake in each episode. I look at all the money that is represented by all those silver brief cases. And in turn, all the money that is forked out to contestants every night that the show is aired. Think about all that cash. And where is it going? Who is it going to? Are we not helping to pay them by watching the show? For that hour, they are told how many viewers they had, and that determines how much money is printed on the TV stars pay checks.

Am I naïve or too cliché to raise your attention to all the people that don’t have anything close to that much money. People over-seas, people without homes, people in your own community, in your neighbourhood? I know we hear this all the time, ‘how can you spend your money on that while there are children dying in Africa?’ And it is just as applicable in this circumstance. To answer the question of who the cash is going out to each night on the game shows; to someone who probably doesn’t really need it. Did they pull the contestants off the streets, from a destroyed home in New Orleans, from a house fire that took all their possessions including their dear family members? Probably not. I don’t want to generalize, but I can only assume that if you can get on a show like Deal or No Deal, you’re probably already doing fairly well financially. I am still guilty though. I switch on the tube and watch some shows that may not be as bad as some like Amazing Race, Miami Ink, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or like I said, Prison Break. But still, a lot of unnecessary money has been invested into these shows, and we just make entertainment out of it. But I’m doing my best to limit myself to what I support on the television. Think about the shows you watch… are they worthwhile? Do they challenge you with how you live your life? Do you gain anything positive from them? Are you supporting a show you probably shouldn’t? And don't just try to cover it up to impress me, be honest with yourself, seriously ask yourself these questions when you're deciding what to watch on the television. Are you really just wasting hours each evening? The O.C.? 24? Prison Break? Laguna Beach? MTV? Simpson’s? Deal or No Deal? American Idol? Think about what you are filling your mind with, and what you are supporting.

I hate getting zits. Some people have really bad acne and I feel bad for them, because that is one of the only physical things I am really self conscious about. I don’t get many, and I don’t have these ‘atomic burst on the mirror type’ zits. I get them, and they are usually pretty small, but they can get red if I irritate them too much. They are embarrassing and I try as hard as I can to cover them up with a hand on my face, with hair, or whatever else I can find. I hope you realize this is a big step for me. To come out and share something this personal with you. For everyone to read on the big world wide web. It may not seem like a big deal to you though… what, a couple zits is a big deal to this guy. He’s got it made compared to me. Well yeah, you know what! It is a big deal to me. Zits are a crack in this little clay pot that God put together. It is a blemish in my life. It is a scar, it is something I’m not proud of, something that I don’t like about myself. And definitely there are greater things in my life that are cause much greater cracks. What do you hate about yourself? What makes your friends not be able to stand you at times?

Your hair. Your big nose. Your ears. Your big glasses. Your eyes. Your tiny chin. Your facial hair. Your lack of facial hair. Your baby face[guilty]. Your chest. Your abs. Your butt. Your muscle. Your skin on bones figure. Your wide hips. Your thick ankles. Your big feet. Your deep voice. Your high pitch voice. Your bad breathe. Your instant sweat stains. Your body odour. Your stutter. Your lisp. Your quick to judge attitude. Your anger. Your shyness. Your bitterness. Your lack of confidence. Your independence. Your dependence. Your crude humour. Your fowl mouth. Your inconsiderate comments. Your hollow encouragements filled with sarcasm. Your talking behind others backs. Your constant arguments with parents or siblings. Your pushing the boundaries with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Your cheating on them with someone else. Your homosexual thoughts. Your depression. Your suicidal thoughts. Your anorexia. Your cutting. Your porn addiction. Your drug use. Your drinks that go a bit too far.

Are you getting the picture?
With His hands, God made all of us as clay pots. As we go through our life, we get scratched, we get marked up, we get cracks, we may even fall off the counter a few times and it feels like we’ve shattered into a million pieces. Whether it be physical characteristics, attitude and temperamental things, or things we’ve done or felt. These are all cracks in us.

I’m reminded of a story I heard about a little boy who was in a church service and after he approached his mother because of something the pastor said. First he clarified that God created the whole world, that He is bigger than anything and everything, that He was so huge that he could in fact hold the world in His hands. His mother confirmed that what he was saying was truth. He then posed his second question about God being able to fit inside each and every one of us, that He lives in us when we accept Him into our heart. His mother confirmed this point as well with her curious son. He then made the bold statement, ‘Well if God is that huge, and is inside of us, shouldn’t people be able to see Him through us?’

Isn’t that the truth? Take the analogy of a clay pot, if we stick it in darkness, much like the world that we live in, nothing changes, everything is just as dark. We blend in with the darkness, with our scars and cracks, no one sees anything different in us. But when even the smallest tea light is lit inside that clay pot, it will shine. But through what? That little light will shine through our cracks, it will be seen through our sorrows, our blemishes, our heartaches, our sins. God wants to shine through these cracks. These cracks can be used for good. Why do we see tough situations and problems in our lives as such a horrible thing. Something to be forgotten in the past, something to hide in the closet. It’s when we are real with people, pull off the layers, be vulnerable with one another, and allow them to see us for what we really are, that they see Christ in us. They can see that they are not alone with what they are dealing with, they see you, they see you have cracks too, and they can see the life of Christ living inside of you.
And in a room of darkness, it’s hard to difficult to overlook such a bright light, even if it is being seen through cracks in a dirty old clay pot.

I mentioned in my last blog that I have faced many new experiences and challenges throughout the last few months. One of which, I brought upon myself. I attended a Baptist church my entire life. For 18 years I walked through the doors of Faith Baptist Church in Huntsville and it was a great place to be; a good church family and great friendships and memories were had there. Mind you, this was the only church I ever went to for a service, for youth, for anything.

So when it came to finding a new church to go to while living here in Newcastle, it would make sense to just attend Josh’s family’s church. It was a Pentecostal church, and although I have nothing against Pentecostal’s, I didn’t want to make that church my new home. In fact, I didn’t want to make any church my new home.

Everyone seems to have opinions about different denominations, church buildings, and their people. They’re too traditional. They’re all too old. They’re all too young. They only sing hymns. Their worship has too many electric guitars. They are trying too many new ideas. They don’t reach the youth with programs. They have nothing for seniors. Their pastor/reverend/priest is boring. He spits when he speaks. All he talks about is wealth. All he talks about is classic bible characters. He doesn’t speak on anything that relates to me. Their pastor/reverend/priest is a woman. They baptize only adults. They baptize only babies. They drink wine for communion. They all drink from the same cup. They eat crackers instead of bread. They wear robes. They wear casual clothes. Their’s has a choir. Their’s has a gym. Their’s has stain glass windows. They speak in tongues. They raise their hands. They just stand there. They cry out in the service. There’s no one there I know. They have homeless people who attend. They are all rich. They have a balcony. They are all rude. They are too cheery. They don’t care at all. They don’t tithe. They have pews.

You see, we hear these things all the time. I’ve heard them all my life about different churches, and had no choice but to just take peoples word for it because I had never experienced these places. For this reason, when I moved here, I wanted to challenge myself. Every week I would attend a different church. Not so that I could be the one to pass judgement and try to alter other peoples views of churches, but rather so that I could create opinions and views of my own and be open minded. I don’t want to just pass off so many denominations just because of what others have said about them, I want to experience them for myself. And I’m not saying that I go to one church and then generalize everything they do as to categorize all of that denomination together. Every church functions differently, and I want to witness and experience these different ways. So far I’ve gone to an Anglican, Pentecostal, Christian Reform, Free Methodist, Presbyterian, United and many other churches.

It’s been really interesting to visit them all. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t make any of them a new church home for myself, but just experiencing all these different ways churches function have opened up my eyes and have taught me a lot. I am in no way trying to show off what I’m doing, but I do want you to think about your views on other denominations. How did you come up with these views? Were they passed down to you, are they reliable or biased? Have you ever thought about other denominations, or have you just stayed where you are comfortable in your church? Do you even have opinions about other denominations? If not, why not look into some others, do some research and find out what differentiates those denominations from yours. Or do something similar to what I’m doing and just explore. Just go for a drive Sunday morning and when you see a steeple, head in that direction and go to that church. You might be very surprised.

This is a time of new experiences and challenges for me.

For those of you who don't know, I moved from my home for the past 18 years in beautiful Muskoka, to live in what I consider the city, in the small town of Newcastle, Ontario.

I spent my first year out of high school living at working at camp as a full time year-round instructor hosting guest groups. I did Spring Crew in May and June, and then was there for all last summer also. By the end of the summer however, I still hadn’t decided what I should do in the fall. My options were limited as I could either commit to a second year working at camp, or I could work elsewhere from home. Through many conversations, I ended up talking with a guy, Josh Linkletter, who was in the same position as I was in not knowing what to do for the following year. In what began as a simple joke, became our plan for September. He invited me to live with him and his family here in Newcastle. I thought about it, talked about it with family and friends, and prayed about, and it seemed like it could be a pretty fun and new experience for me. It would be a big change in pace and environment for me, but I was ready for it.

I moved in on the 9th of September to be with my new family for the next few months. Josh, his younger brother and sister, his parents, two foster girls, and one out-of-control golden retriever. This would be a challenge. Little sheltered Ben Pavey from the boonies living with his parents and sister, was stepping it up. Josh and I quickly got to work trying to find a job so we could begin making our big cash. Well, we thought the best way to wait for this great job would be to suffer through some factory work. Bad idea. This place was a mistake. We worked on windshields for vehicles, 8am-4pm with one half hour lunch. It was torture! But they loved me; they saw some great potential in me because I was learning so fast, so they decided to begin training me on everything so that I could be on staff for a long time as one of these hoppers that relieved others for breaks. Word quickly travelled however that I wasn’t planning on being there for much longer so they sat me down in an office and tried to convince me to stay and even offered me some a financial incentive. I turned it down, said there was nothing they could do to make me want to stay there, and that I was essentially just taking advantage of them till I found something better. That, along with calling in the next day and lying to them saying we had no ride cost us our job. We received a call the next day telling us that they no longer required our help. What a glorious day! What a joyous time to celebrate! Things were good again. We weren’t making money… we got fired after only working one week… but it sure felt nice.

Luckily for me though, I had an interview lined up at The Brick in Whitby and I scored a full-time position as a merchandiser just a couple days later. A few days after that, Josh got a job at Good Life Fitness and after much training he is now a personal trainer there.

We all have journeys. We all have stories. What is yours right now? What’s been going on in your life lately that can make a story? Just tell it how it is, it doesn’t have to be inspirational, it doesn’t have to have a captivating underlying message.

To conclude, I’ll tell you one last short story from within the first few months I was living here. Josh and I were leaving a friends place and as I was getting in to the passenger side of the smart car… yes, a smart car… Josh was asked to pull the vehicle up for people to take a closer look. The thing was however, that he failed to wait for me to get completely into the car; I had one foot safely in the car but still had the other outside on the ground. Now with a regular size vehicle, you often have plenty of time to react to such a situation by jumping in to the car before it’s too late. Unfortunately, being a smart car, the back tire is directly behind the door. And without another second I tried pulling my leg in to the car, but it was too late. The car jetted forward sucking my right foot under the car. Perhaps not as heavy a car as most, but the way it yanked my foot under on its side, caused it to twist my knee in the wrong direction and I was whipped to the ground before I knew it. I rested there for a moment wondering if my ankle was broken. All I could think was, Is it broken? I’ve never broken anything before… this is kind of cool… And it doesn’t even hurt that much… Hmm, I would’ve thought breaking a bone would hurt a bit more… Well, it turned out I didn’t break anything, however it had lasting effect on me and my future career with NBA basketball. Either way, I wasn’t angry with Josh, he apologized, and we kept going, although my knee hasn’t completely healed yet. I couldn’t believe my friend just ran me over… but like I said, it makes for a good story, and adds a little bit more to my journey.